Many people know the sting of having said too much, a cringey feeling that bubbles up after sharing the wrong details at the wrong time. Now, imagine drunkenly telling two of your superiors about the time you had a bathroom emergency onstage in front of hundreds of people.
Leslie John feared she had killed her career. Instead, it became an asset.
鈥淭hose two grand poo-bahs, they became my closest mentors,鈥� said John, a Harvard business professor and author of 鈥淩evealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing.鈥� 鈥淎nd it鈥檚 not in spite of my having shared my embarrassing story with them, because they鈥檝e told me it鈥檚 because of it.鈥�
John acknowledges that she may have gotten lucky, since her openness caused the professors to see her as different from other junior colleagues. But the experience illustrated a point.
Most people worry about the risks of oversharing, but in reality, opening up often builds trust and leads to , she said. (Her advice is for in-person relationships; sharing online is something different, carrying different risks.)
So, how do you know when it鈥檚 TMI or if you鈥檙e not sharing enough?
Context is key
Kathryn Greene, a communications professor at Rutgers University, has been studying what鈥檚 known in academia as “disclosure” since the 1980s. She said people may not realize how often they make decisions about something personal.
鈥淲e鈥檙e constantly making these evaluations in all of our relationships and reassessing as it goes along,鈥� Greene said.
She said context is key. Telling your doctor about a sexually transmitted infection is clearly different from telling your boss.
Being open about personal aspects of your life can bring people together, but if you reveal too much too soon, it will turn people away.
Greene offered the example of when two people start dating. They first offer only a trickle of information to test if their values align.
鈥淭here鈥檚 a pretty predictable pattern as we test for a positive rather than neutral or negative reaction,鈥� she said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 going to lead to us potentially sharing more.鈥�
Why you share is as important as what
John suggested analyzing why you want to share and questioning if it鈥檚 with the right person at the right time, which 鈥渞equires a lot of self-honesty.鈥�
When she was pregnant during the pandemic, she told her landlord because she was dying for connection. The landlord, apparently wary of tenants with children, put the place up for sale the next day, and she had to move.
鈥淚f I had been honest with myself, why do I want to reveal this? Because I want love and excitement,鈥� she said. 鈥淲ell, the landlord is not the right person to reveal to.鈥�
When to share
People rarely think of the risks of revealing too little information, however, John said. Without opening up to acquaintances, they鈥檒l never become close friends. If you don鈥檛 tell the love of your life that you love them, it鈥檚 a missed opportunity that鈥檚 hard to recover from.
On the other hand, revealing too much is recoverable. John argues that the answer to feeling like you鈥檝e overshared is to share more, not less.
For instance, if you think you may have offended someone at work, it presents an opportunity to stop by their office to clear things up.
鈥淲hat feels like overcommunicating is just communicating,鈥� she said.
What not to share
Greene said one kind of oversharing won鈥檛 get you anywhere 鈥� the kind where someone dumps personal information on another person without letting them speak.
Over time, such an imbalance will degrade a relationship.
鈥淢ost people will try to distance themselves if they鈥檙e finding time after time that this balance doesn鈥檛 ever shift,鈥� she said.
Gossip is another. John鈥檚 research includes examining what鈥檚 called 鈥渟pontaneous trait transference.鈥� Essentially, that means that when you share someone else鈥檚 personal information, or if you speak badly about someone, the recipient of the information will implicitly associate those negative things with you and your character, John said.
鈥淚t happens automatically, outside of conscious awareness,鈥� she said. 鈥淟iterally, it makes you look bad.鈥�
But she said anything else is fair game, especially if the goal is to feel more known. Besides, sharing feels good.
John pointed to studies that have shown that pleasure centers in the brain light up when people self-disclose.
鈥淣ature has a way of making what鈥檚 good for us pleasurable,鈥� she said. 鈥淚n moderation.鈥�
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EDITOR鈥橲 NOTE: Albert Stumm writes about wellness, travel and food. Find his work at
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