Doing something romantic for does not need to involve a heart-shaped box of chocolates, roses or an atypically expensive dinner, according to relationship experts.
In fact, therapists encourage couples craving intimacy and a deeper connection to focus less on grand gestures and more on with mundane acts that recognize what matters to their partner.
Romance is not one size fits all. For some people, it means holding hands, opening a car door or drawing a bath for their lover. Others respond to receiving a hilarious text, coffee in bed or an offer to run a nagging errand. Either way, demonstrating kindness and care in small ways over time helps to support relationships as they evolve, says Traci Lee, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Dallas.
“The more that early on, you as a couple are able to establish good habits of whatever romance is going to look like for you, the better it is,” Lee said.
Couples counselors and people in relationships share ideas for throughout the year:
Romance is constantly evolving
Early in a relationship, it doesn鈥檛 take much to show romantic intentions, but as couples learn more about each other as individuals, discover what their partner needs for emotional and physical well-being, and experience life together.
鈥淒epending on what stage of the relationship you鈥檙e in, romance can mean different things,鈥� Lee said. For example, couples with parenting and caregiving responsibilities have less time to devote to each other than they did during the honeymoon phases right after they started dating or got married.
Gabrielle Gambrell, who lives in New York with her husband of seven years and their two children, thinks romance 鈥渟hould be an evolution鈥� and therefore takes work. One piece of advice she received before getting married stuck with her: Never stop dating.
鈥淵ou keep romance alive by ,” Gambrell said. “No matter how busy or what happens in the world, me and my husband have a mandatory date night. And every single date night, we leave the date energized and happy and grateful, and reminded what means the most to us.鈥�
Taking the pressure off Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day carries of social pressures, fantasies from movies , and individual desires and expectations that often go unexpressed. All can be managed with planning and communication, experts say.
鈥淪ome people will say, 鈥業f I have to tell my partner what to do, then it won鈥檛 be romantic.’ But I have to remind people that their partner is not a mind reader,” Lee said. “I try to blow up the myth that romance can only happen if it’s created spontaneously out of thin air.鈥�
Gambrell, who describes herself as a planner by nature, says she typically starts asking her husband questions about their plans for Feb. 14 days before. Making assumptions about the best way to celebrate Valentine’s Day and comparisons with other couple’s relationships are likely to lead to disappointment, she said.
鈥淟ove is not perfect. Romance is not perfect. Relationships, there鈥檚 nothing perfect about them, but they are beautiful,鈥� she said.
Clarence Smith IV, a 29-year-old middle school teacher and video content creator in Phoenix, remains a big believer in using traditional acts of chivalry to communicate respect and care for his girlfriend, such as positioning himself closer to the curb when they are walking together on a street.
鈥淩omance today involves more seen gestures – let this be seen, let this be shown, let this be big,” Smith said, adding that in his dating experience some people see his gentlemanly behavior as old-fashioned. “I do little things like that, and they鈥檙e looked at as superbly impactful. We don鈥檛 do this anymore. But to me, baby, this is basics.鈥�
Express love beyond February
While some relationship experts recommend establishing traditions around meaningful holidays, anniversaries and birthdays, others say that creating rituals to mark new seasons or weekends are equally valuable as part of the foundation for and routines.
Lee says she often explains to her clients a popular analogy in the counseling industry: If you get in a fight with your partner and apologize with a dozen roses, that would be great, but bringing one rose for 12 days would communicate consistency and dedication.
She asks patients, 鈥淲hat are some small things that you can do that are going to be a way for you to show up for your partner in the way that they need it?鈥�
Gambrell says gift-giving is the way she prefers to . As a result, it touches her deeply and comes across as a romantic gesture when her husband buys her a scratch-off lottery ticket or stationery item, like a pen or notebook, at the store.
鈥淚t’s knowing that you鈥檙e thinking about me, that I鈥檓 on your mind, that you stop what you鈥檙e doing to think of me,” she said.
Smith encourages people to not be afraid of expressing love regardless of how experienced or how long a relationship they have.
鈥淒o not be afraid to love in your own way,” he said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 always worth it. You always win in the end.鈥�
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