Some couples who are self-isolating together might be getting on each other鈥檚 nerves, but a D.C. behavior therapist has advice for having a good fight.
鈥淎ll relationships will have conflict,鈥� said George Washington University assistant professor of counseling . 鈥淢y goal is to help you be better at handling conflict in your relationship. I want you to fight more effectively.鈥�
Pittman advises fighting to be understood, not to win. Because, she said, fighting to win means someone has to lose.
鈥淪o, somebody in that exchange has to go unheard, misunderstood, without getting their needs met in a fighting-to-win dynamic,鈥� Pittman said.
Behavior to avoid that signals you鈥檙e fighting to win includes stonewalling, withdrawing or walking away mid-argument.
To create a conflict management plan, Pittman advises couples to come up with a 鈥渟afe word鈥� that鈥檚 not part of everyday vocabulary but not so abstract you won鈥檛 remember it.
The safe word should be used when one or both people realize the conflict has escalated to the point where further discussion won鈥檛 be productive.
鈥淪ometimes, using the safe word can also be about caretaking for your partner: if your partner has heightened physiological arousal, you see signs they鈥檙e about to blow, they鈥檙e withdrawing and just can鈥檛 handle the conflict anymore,鈥� Pittman said.
When the safe word is used, what then?
- The conversation ends.
- You separate for an agreed upon time/space.
- Breaks should last 15, 25 or 30 minutes.
- Afterward, regroup to re-engage.
- If feelings still are too hot, hit reset on the break time.
- If four breaks don鈥檛 result in re-engagement, break for 24 hours.
鈥淭hen, you carve out time the next evening to have the conversation,” Pittman said. “Generally speaking, couples can resolve whatever the conflict is to some degree that feels amicable to both parties.”
Also, recognize some couples have perpetual conflicts. Pittman said some things happen in relationships that don鈥檛 have resolution: they have compromise.
鈥淩ecognizing that, 鈥榃e鈥檙e going to have to revisit this conversation multiple times in our relationship,鈥� is not a failing of your relationship because you can鈥檛 come to some agreement,鈥� Pittman said.
鈥淭here are some things that are going to change, because couples change, people change. And so you鈥檙e going to have to revisit that.鈥�
Pittman provided those strategies for handling conflict productively during a virtual community webinar hosted by the D.C. Psychological Association.
Upcoming DCPA virtual events and support groups focusing on self-care, parents, and living alone/self-support are scheduled.
You can get details, register to attend and learn about new topics as events are arranged on the website.
Plans still are being finalized for veterans and LGBTQIA support groups, which will begin in mid-May.
